Silence

I've never had a female roommate besides my sister.

I've never had to deal with liking the same boy or being the same age or, generally, hanging out with the same friends, all while living in the same place. My sister and I have always just had sister issues, like fighting over the hair-dryer or trying to convince mom that we're the one who's right in the argument.

However, in the past two weeks, my world had come crashing down with the things that I've never had actually happening to me.

I met my current roommate back in March, during all the commotion of the Humans vs. Zombies game. She and I were both moderators and we both happened to be looking for a roommate around the same general time period. We've spent the past couple of months getting to know one another as we prepared to move in together at the end of May. And, in those months, we discovered we had a lot in common.

The primary thing that we both had in common was, of course, that we both were crushing on the same guy: the head moderator of the HvZ game. I knew that she liked him long before I had even met him so I did my best to stay away, only keeping a friend attachment. However, over the past few months, he and I have grown closer and I have been unable to keep those feelings as just friends. I was upfront and honest with her from the beginning about my feelings and I actively tried to pursue other guys in the hope that the feelings would go away. However, despite my best efforts, nothing has worked.

Last Wednesday, my roommate confronted me, asking me again for the zillionth time if I had feelings for the guy. When I said yes, she followed it up with the inquiry if I thought anything might happen. If she had asked me months ago, I would have said no. However, now, that's not quite the case. When I said that it was possible, she did something completely unexpected -- she stopped speaking to me. Not only that, but she hid in her bedroom, only coming out when I wasn't around.

I have been tormented with this, trying to figure out if I'm in the wrong or the right for telling her the truth as I knew it to be. On one hand, I did try extremely hard to do good by her and not like the guy; on the other hand, it's not a crime to have feelings for someone. Last Friday, I confronted her and ended up in tears after she told me that I was one of the worst things that had ever happened in her life. She has made it so that it is a crime for me to feel anything about this; feeling bad because I know that I hurt her is completely out of the question. I'm just supposed to be the monster who committed all of these crimes...

All I know is that I just want all of this fixed. Walking on egg-shells like this is no way to live. I'm tired of her hiding from me in her room... and I cant believe that it's been a full week since she really spoke to me. A full week when all that she has done has hid from me, hoping that we wont see one another.

Having a roommate is HARD in all of this silence.

It's Been A While...

But Internet, I have returned.

The past couple months have been rough ones for me. Dealing with the break-up, dealing with the after-math of the break-up, dealing with school and the end of the school year... And then, of course, there was this semester's version of Humans vs. Zombies, which I helped to run...

And now it's summer. I've been in and out of jobs, doing the college student thing, living off of mac and cheese, top ramen, and pepsi. My amazing grandparents gave me a chunk of money that's currently helping me live.

And then, of course, I got a job editing.

I couldn't believe it when I found it. A lady just needing her PhD dissertation edited. A lady who was willing to pay me several hundred to edit said dissertation. Do I want to have this kind of job every month in order to pay my bills? HECK YES. Despite the large amount of work, it's a job I know I'm good at.

So, Internet, that's all I've really been up to. Editing is taking up part of my day, my friends take up the other part. I'm here, I'm living, I'm eating, I'm breathing, I'm loving life. I'm planning for trips that I'll be taking in the future (one to Vegas at the end of August to visit my best friend and one to LA in November with all of my friends in order to go to a convention). And I'm getting ready to go back to Chico State in the fall.

I cant wait for school to start.

Catch you soon, Internet.

Changes

Last week, the boyfriend and I split up for good.  We didn't have a fight. Nor are we angry with one another. We just weren't right for each other. So, in the midst of all of the craziness and lonelyness that I've been dealing with the past couple of weeks, I've made a decision.

I'm making some changes to this blog.

I thought about stopping the blog entirely, because writing about my life is just too difficult right now. But then I thought that I could put some of my writing on here. I don't want to kill this blog entirely. Just make my life a little less prominent in it. 

So here's what I'm going to do: every day of the week is going to have a different theme.

Monday: Journaling Day

Tuesday: Short Story Day

Wednesday: Photo Day

Thursday: Poem Day

Friday: Journaling Day

Hopefully this will help me right now in the midst of all that I'm going through. It'll all begin on Monday. 

Keep me in your prayers.

Obesity Affects All

I'm starving my gecko.

Before you call animal control and get all animal rights crazy on me, let me explain.

Esther is fat. She is a really fat gecko. I mentioned this several months ago, I know, when the boyfriend and I decided to take her to the vet to get her a check up and he made us very aware of how fat she was. We started feeding her less, we exercised her a little more, but nothing really helped. She stayed ridiculously obese.

Then, about two weeks ago, Esther stopped eating completely. I wasn't too worried at first, because adult leopard geckos don't eat all that often. However, after about a week of her refusing food and her stomach becoming unusually bloated, I decided to take her to some reptile specialists to see if we could figure out what exactly was wrong with her.

This is where her obesity comes in.

Without giving anyone too many gruesome details of the reptile visit, it turns out that Esther is so fat that her kidneys have begun to fail. She hadn't been able to go to the bathroom and her little tummy had gotten so full that she was refusing food because she couldn't fit anything else inside of her. Who knew that geckos could have the same kind of organ problems as humans do? Also, it appears that there's a little unfertilized egg in her belly as well, which means she'll probably be popping out a little egg in the next week or so.

The reptile specialists instructed me to let Esther survive off her own fat for another week and then to begin feeding her the bare minimum so that she could slim down. She also has been exercised a lot more. Poor thing... if she doesn't start slimming down now, she's going to start having even more problems. But they told me that over-feeding her is better than under-feeding her, so I shouldn't feel too bad. They said they don't usually see many fat geckos like Esther because people usually don't take that good of care of their lizards, especially college students, which really makes me frustrated because students shouldn't get a pet if they're not going to be responsible about it.

So here's Esther as of today. She's still quite chubby but we're hoping that she'll begin losing weight soon so that her organs will go back to being normal. I can guarantee that she's not supposed to be this fat... but at least she can still pick her little belly up off the ground.

 

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. 

Inspiring

I know I have not posted for about a week. This is for a number of reasons. First, I have been trying to get used to the medication that I'm on. The nausea and insomnia have gone away but have been replaced with me getting tired a little more easily, so I have to try to get as much sleep as possible. Second, I'm not quite sure what to say about my situation. I'm going to therapy, I'm taking depression medication, and the people who are close to me in my life reacted both positively and negatively to this. One of my best friends strongly disapproves of my actions, which really only makes this harder. My other best friend is supportive as she can be while living hundreds of miles away.

But I'm tired of talking about my situation.

Today, I want to post something that very much touched my heart when I read it. I've been taking a class on C.S. Lewis and Tolkien at the college and this week we read from Lewis' Mere Christianity. I've been interested in reading this for quite a while because of Lewis' beginnings as an atheist and I've been curious to know why it is that Lewis decided to convert to Christianity.

One passage particularly struck me today as I was answering some questions for a homework assignment and I thought I would share it with all of you. This exerpt is from the very end of Chapter One.

"And, of course, that raises a very big question. If a good God made the world why has it gone wrong? And for many years I simply refused to listen to the Christian answers to this question, because I kept on feeling 'whatever you say, and however clever your arguments are, isn't it much simpler and easier to say that the world was not made by any intelligent power? Aren't all your arguments simply a complicated attempted to avoid the obvious?' But then that threw me back into another difficulty.

"My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such violent reaction against it? A man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet. Of course I could have given up my idea of justice by saying it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too - for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my fantasies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist - in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless - I found I was force to assume that one part of reality - namely my idea of justice - was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be a word without meaning."

Wobbly

I'm having a really difficult time standing on my own two feet right now.

First and foremost, it's because I started anti-depressant medication on Friday. Zoloft. Fun freakin' stuff. The doctor warned me that there would be some side effects but that they would wear off in a week or so. I shrugged and told her I could deal with it. I took the pill Friday evening. Then the nausea started. The nausea that made my stomach unstable and made me feel uncomfortable when I ate. But I could deal with the nausea if that's all that it was. However, something else hit me that I didn't expect: insomnia. Friday night, I tossed and turned in bed, my mind a whir because it was so tired but I laid there, not being able to fall into a proper state of sleep. Saturday night and Sunday night were the same.

Secondly, I'm so tired that walking around is totally exhausting right now. If you don't dream, if you skip your REM cycle, you're launched into the totally exhausted state that I am in right now. This is not a fun state to be in, by the way.

I know that many people have mixed feeling about me taking anti-depressants. I have mixed feelings about it, too. I initially refused taking them 3 years ago but now, especially with a history of depression and drug-related problems on my father's side, taking them seems more of the right thing to do. And I know everyone's just concerned about how my body is going to handle it. How I'm going to handle it.

But, currently being so tired that I can barely type, all I can tell you is that I'm trying to deal the best way I can.

50 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me:

1. I have had moderate chronic depression for approximately 3 years. Actually, I didn’t technically “know” this about myself until today. I wasn’t surprised when the doctor told me, though, since I basically know how and when it began.

2. I’m sure the reason why it’s considered “moderate” is only because I have never wanted to kill myself.

3. I despise all forms of mood-altering medication, including the majority of all painkillers (except Advil, which is my BFF). It is for that reason that I refused treatment when my depression began 3 years ago, even though it would have helped me back then.

4. If I could have any pet in the world (and not be allergic), it would be a fennec fox. I find them absolutely adorable and their ears make me do little girly squeals inside.

5. Those iPod commercials? That’s me. Whenever I listen to music from my iPod, I feel compelled to break out in crazy dance moves or drum along with the band I’m listening to. Unfortunately, when I listen to my iPod, I tend to be around a somewhat large number of people who might find it odd for a girl to break out and dance without any warning.

6. I played the xylophone in my high school band for about 2 years. It was the best experience of my life.

7. I love Disneyland. I would prefer going there than… pretty much any other theme park. This does not include California Adventures, although “Soaring Over California” is one of the best rides ever.
8. I have a pair of combat boots, thanks to the help of my sister. I have yet to get the guts up to wear them.

9. I’ve been stabbed with a pencil twice, once in my chest (when I ran into a wall with a freshly sharpened #2 pencil) and once in my foot (when I was running through a classroom in 5th grade.) I had to get a tetanus shot the second time.

10. I don’t use pencils if I can help it. I write everything in pen and religiously carry around a bottle of whiteout with me. Eraser pens are ridiculous.

11. Eggs disgust me. I don’t mind them being in desserts (since they are an essential baking product) but I cannot stand anything predominantly eggy. Such as an omelet. Boiled eggs are ok.

12. I listen to the soundtracks from Glee to put me in a good mood.

13. I cannot write if my nails are painted. My father didn’t believe when I told him this and forced me to get a manicure. I picked all the paint off in about 48 hours and was able to pick my pen up again.

14. I don’t like ice cream. This bugs my aunt during family gatherings because ice cream is the easiest dessert to get. Apparently “everyone” likes it.

15. I’m afraid of always being seen as “the hardware girl.”

16. My new nickname at the newspaper is “Hasselhoffman.”

17. I’ve never broken a bone but I’ve split my chin open and had to be taken to the hospital for stitches. And I didn’t shed a single tear while the stitches were done.

18. I still watch Lost. I have watched it every week since it started and, even though people make fun of me, I am proud for sticking with it.

19. I adore soap opera shows that aren’t exactly defined as a soap opera. “Grey’s Anatomy” is one. “Ugly Betty” is another.

20. I gained my allergies to cats when I was about 10. No one’s sure how I grew into allergies when we’ve had cats my entire life.

21. I also gained sports asthma freshman year of high school after playing soccer for about 6 years.

22. If you use “really” and “a lot” in the same sentence, I will find out where you live and beat you up.

23. I don’t have a favorite number. I don’t know why people have one.

24. “The Emperor’s New Groove” is my favorite movie ever. And I don’t own it on DVD.

25. I don’t know what I would do without my cell phone.

26. In preschool, a little boy wanted to give me a box of chocolates on Valentines Day. My dad had a fit.

27. I was dumped the first time in 3rd grade by a boy who played the piano. I should have known I wouldn’t end up with a musician.

28. My favorite food is sushi. The shapes macaroni and cheese comes in a close second.

29. I cannot stand drinking any kind of liqueur straight.

30. I hate scary movies. Unless they’re about zombies.

31. The only cat to which I am not allergic (oddly enough) is a deaf cat named Helen, who happens to belong to a good friend of mine. I cuddle Helen at least once a week.

32. The first concert I ever went to was to see James Taylor in Bakersfield with my mom. We had the best seats in the stadium.

33. I had braces for 6 years and had to beg my orthodontist to take them off before my senior graduation. I got them off the day before.

34. When I was younger, everyone thought my sister and I were twins. Now, we don’t look anything alike and everyone’s convinced that SHE is the older one. Pshaw.

35. I think buying a gift for a guy is impossible. Girls are easy. Jewelry.

36. My favorite cereal in the whole world is Berry Berry Kix. But they no longer exist.

37. I cannot fall asleep if my bedroom door is open. The light from Esther’s tank shines in and keeps me awake.

38. I have an irrational fear of being “burglared.” I will sometimes check the door to see if it’s locked 2 or 3 times before I can safely fall asleep.

39. I enjoy writing by hand more than typing on a computer but typing is a little more convenient.

40. I cannot do any homework on the weekend unless I’ve had a shower first.

41. When making cookie dough, I have to force myself to keep going after putting together the vanilla, brown sugar, white sugar, and butter or else I will eat it all.

42. I wont eat cooked fish.

43. On a regular basis, I long for a good steak. I maybe eat one about once a year.

44. I would spend obscene amounts of money on my mother if she would let me.

45. If I could, I would drop everything and go help out in Haiti right now.

46. Only being enrolled in technically 3 classes makes me feel like I’m not pushing myself hard enough.

47. It is possible I am causing my own depression.

48. Although my favorite soda is Pepsi, I would spend quite a bit of money on Goose Island Rootbeer, which I had for the first time in Chicago.

49. I will watch anything with Nathan Fillion in it or if Joss Whedon directs it.

50. Although my favorite color is lavender, I love the way blue and brown look together.