Scribblings from the Black Hole

I think the hardest part is wanting to feel normal and never actually getting there.

I envy myself on the days when I don't feel anything. Because, obviously, when I don't feel anything, it means that I don't feel depressed. Or sad. Or angry. Or holding on to something negative that I can't quite identify but which throws me off of feeling like a normal person. Not feeling anything feels good to me. When I'm sitting down and don't have to sigh to try and release all the tension built up inside of me that came from somewhere... and I'm not always sure where... that's really nice.

I'm depressed. I'm imbalanced. I know it. I'm working on it.

I went to my first round of therapy last Friday. For those of you who have arrived at my blog late, here are a couple things you should know:

1. I am severely depressed and have been since my parent's divorce. However, I am normally able to cover it up with schoolwork, since I am a perfectionist. This winter break, 5 weeks of doing nothing, determined that I need to go to therapy again (yes, this is my second time since the divorce) and finally work through my feelings about that man that's supposedly my father and my depression.

2. I know my therapist. He was my Drugs in Our Society instructor and I'm convinced that the only reason why I was in that major (Health Education) for a semester (before settling with journalism) and why I took that class was so God could have me meet him. He is a very kind man and the fact that I know him makes talking to him 100 times easier, although he doesn't necessarily think so.

So, my therapist and I sat down Friday to begin things. I spent the first half-an-hour talking about my week and when he said, "I wouldn't give a teacher that much power," it began. After much discussing, we settled on a couple of things to work on.
1. My perfectionist nature — why I kick my butt to get straight A's when I know I don't need to.
2. My depression — the fact that it didn't begin due to my parent's divorce
3. My crying — I do it whenever I have an overabundance of any emotion

None of these I can work on alone. I should probably work on my anger as well, but I'm sure that, with time, working through the depression will lessen the anger.

What's really not helping me this week is the unnecessary drama that I've been going through. One of my goals was to stay away from all the dramatic stuff this semester at the newspaper... but it seems to have followed me out of it. It really makes me sad to be in any kind of rift with any of my friends, especially since I'm new here and still don't have that many friend.

But I'll keep working through it, the stress, the drama, the depression.

There's got to be a light out of this hole somewhere.