Inspiring

I know I have not posted for about a week. This is for a number of reasons. First, I have been trying to get used to the medication that I'm on. The nausea and insomnia have gone away but have been replaced with me getting tired a little more easily, so I have to try to get as much sleep as possible. Second, I'm not quite sure what to say about my situation. I'm going to therapy, I'm taking depression medication, and the people who are close to me in my life reacted both positively and negatively to this. One of my best friends strongly disapproves of my actions, which really only makes this harder. My other best friend is supportive as she can be while living hundreds of miles away.

But I'm tired of talking about my situation.

Today, I want to post something that very much touched my heart when I read it. I've been taking a class on C.S. Lewis and Tolkien at the college and this week we read from Lewis' Mere Christianity. I've been interested in reading this for quite a while because of Lewis' beginnings as an atheist and I've been curious to know why it is that Lewis decided to convert to Christianity.

One passage particularly struck me today as I was answering some questions for a homework assignment and I thought I would share it with all of you. This exerpt is from the very end of Chapter One.

"And, of course, that raises a very big question. If a good God made the world why has it gone wrong? And for many years I simply refused to listen to the Christian answers to this question, because I kept on feeling 'whatever you say, and however clever your arguments are, isn't it much simpler and easier to say that the world was not made by any intelligent power? Aren't all your arguments simply a complicated attempted to avoid the obvious?' But then that threw me back into another difficulty.

"My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such violent reaction against it? A man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet. Of course I could have given up my idea of justice by saying it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too - for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my fantasies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist - in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless - I found I was force to assume that one part of reality - namely my idea of justice - was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be a word without meaning."

Wobbly

I'm having a really difficult time standing on my own two feet right now.

First and foremost, it's because I started anti-depressant medication on Friday. Zoloft. Fun freakin' stuff. The doctor warned me that there would be some side effects but that they would wear off in a week or so. I shrugged and told her I could deal with it. I took the pill Friday evening. Then the nausea started. The nausea that made my stomach unstable and made me feel uncomfortable when I ate. But I could deal with the nausea if that's all that it was. However, something else hit me that I didn't expect: insomnia. Friday night, I tossed and turned in bed, my mind a whir because it was so tired but I laid there, not being able to fall into a proper state of sleep. Saturday night and Sunday night were the same.

Secondly, I'm so tired that walking around is totally exhausting right now. If you don't dream, if you skip your REM cycle, you're launched into the totally exhausted state that I am in right now. This is not a fun state to be in, by the way.

I know that many people have mixed feeling about me taking anti-depressants. I have mixed feelings about it, too. I initially refused taking them 3 years ago but now, especially with a history of depression and drug-related problems on my father's side, taking them seems more of the right thing to do. And I know everyone's just concerned about how my body is going to handle it. How I'm going to handle it.

But, currently being so tired that I can barely type, all I can tell you is that I'm trying to deal the best way I can.

50 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me:

1. I have had moderate chronic depression for approximately 3 years. Actually, I didn’t technically “know” this about myself until today. I wasn’t surprised when the doctor told me, though, since I basically know how and when it began.

2. I’m sure the reason why it’s considered “moderate” is only because I have never wanted to kill myself.

3. I despise all forms of mood-altering medication, including the majority of all painkillers (except Advil, which is my BFF). It is for that reason that I refused treatment when my depression began 3 years ago, even though it would have helped me back then.

4. If I could have any pet in the world (and not be allergic), it would be a fennec fox. I find them absolutely adorable and their ears make me do little girly squeals inside.

5. Those iPod commercials? That’s me. Whenever I listen to music from my iPod, I feel compelled to break out in crazy dance moves or drum along with the band I’m listening to. Unfortunately, when I listen to my iPod, I tend to be around a somewhat large number of people who might find it odd for a girl to break out and dance without any warning.

6. I played the xylophone in my high school band for about 2 years. It was the best experience of my life.

7. I love Disneyland. I would prefer going there than… pretty much any other theme park. This does not include California Adventures, although “Soaring Over California” is one of the best rides ever.
8. I have a pair of combat boots, thanks to the help of my sister. I have yet to get the guts up to wear them.

9. I’ve been stabbed with a pencil twice, once in my chest (when I ran into a wall with a freshly sharpened #2 pencil) and once in my foot (when I was running through a classroom in 5th grade.) I had to get a tetanus shot the second time.

10. I don’t use pencils if I can help it. I write everything in pen and religiously carry around a bottle of whiteout with me. Eraser pens are ridiculous.

11. Eggs disgust me. I don’t mind them being in desserts (since they are an essential baking product) but I cannot stand anything predominantly eggy. Such as an omelet. Boiled eggs are ok.

12. I listen to the soundtracks from Glee to put me in a good mood.

13. I cannot write if my nails are painted. My father didn’t believe when I told him this and forced me to get a manicure. I picked all the paint off in about 48 hours and was able to pick my pen up again.

14. I don’t like ice cream. This bugs my aunt during family gatherings because ice cream is the easiest dessert to get. Apparently “everyone” likes it.

15. I’m afraid of always being seen as “the hardware girl.”

16. My new nickname at the newspaper is “Hasselhoffman.”

17. I’ve never broken a bone but I’ve split my chin open and had to be taken to the hospital for stitches. And I didn’t shed a single tear while the stitches were done.

18. I still watch Lost. I have watched it every week since it started and, even though people make fun of me, I am proud for sticking with it.

19. I adore soap opera shows that aren’t exactly defined as a soap opera. “Grey’s Anatomy” is one. “Ugly Betty” is another.

20. I gained my allergies to cats when I was about 10. No one’s sure how I grew into allergies when we’ve had cats my entire life.

21. I also gained sports asthma freshman year of high school after playing soccer for about 6 years.

22. If you use “really” and “a lot” in the same sentence, I will find out where you live and beat you up.

23. I don’t have a favorite number. I don’t know why people have one.

24. “The Emperor’s New Groove” is my favorite movie ever. And I don’t own it on DVD.

25. I don’t know what I would do without my cell phone.

26. In preschool, a little boy wanted to give me a box of chocolates on Valentines Day. My dad had a fit.

27. I was dumped the first time in 3rd grade by a boy who played the piano. I should have known I wouldn’t end up with a musician.

28. My favorite food is sushi. The shapes macaroni and cheese comes in a close second.

29. I cannot stand drinking any kind of liqueur straight.

30. I hate scary movies. Unless they’re about zombies.

31. The only cat to which I am not allergic (oddly enough) is a deaf cat named Helen, who happens to belong to a good friend of mine. I cuddle Helen at least once a week.

32. The first concert I ever went to was to see James Taylor in Bakersfield with my mom. We had the best seats in the stadium.

33. I had braces for 6 years and had to beg my orthodontist to take them off before my senior graduation. I got them off the day before.

34. When I was younger, everyone thought my sister and I were twins. Now, we don’t look anything alike and everyone’s convinced that SHE is the older one. Pshaw.

35. I think buying a gift for a guy is impossible. Girls are easy. Jewelry.

36. My favorite cereal in the whole world is Berry Berry Kix. But they no longer exist.

37. I cannot fall asleep if my bedroom door is open. The light from Esther’s tank shines in and keeps me awake.

38. I have an irrational fear of being “burglared.” I will sometimes check the door to see if it’s locked 2 or 3 times before I can safely fall asleep.

39. I enjoy writing by hand more than typing on a computer but typing is a little more convenient.

40. I cannot do any homework on the weekend unless I’ve had a shower first.

41. When making cookie dough, I have to force myself to keep going after putting together the vanilla, brown sugar, white sugar, and butter or else I will eat it all.

42. I wont eat cooked fish.

43. On a regular basis, I long for a good steak. I maybe eat one about once a year.

44. I would spend obscene amounts of money on my mother if she would let me.

45. If I could, I would drop everything and go help out in Haiti right now.

46. Only being enrolled in technically 3 classes makes me feel like I’m not pushing myself hard enough.

47. It is possible I am causing my own depression.

48. Although my favorite soda is Pepsi, I would spend quite a bit of money on Goose Island Rootbeer, which I had for the first time in Chicago.

49. I will watch anything with Nathan Fillion in it or if Joss Whedon directs it.

50. Although my favorite color is lavender, I love the way blue and brown look together.

I have really been struggling with what to say on here.

Every day this week, I've logged onto my computer and sat, staring at this blog, wanting to write something. But the words just haven't been coming. "My life just isn't that entertaining," I think to myself. But I know that isn't it. I know that there's a reason why I never feel excited to share anything or have anything to share.

The lows have been very low. There haven't been any highs. My highest point is when I feel in the middle and, right now, just getting there feels great. I feel as if I'm clinging on to everything that I know just to stay in that middle ground and, fortunately, it's leading me back to a place that I haven't been in a little while.

Church.

Since the depressing really sat in at the beginning of December, I've been avoiding church. Part of me wanted to just go home and see my pastor back home and part of me was afraid. Afraid that this whole depression thing wouldn't get resolved and afraid that God wasn't helping me what-so-ever with anything. However, when the school year started back up, a friend of mine told me she really wanted to get back into church again and the three of us (my friend, the boyfriend, and I) went to a church together last week. My friend had heard good things about this church and, as it turns out, the church happened to be very much like mine from back home. When I came home that day, I felt encouraged to go again.

On Tuesday, my friend and I attended the ZOE (which means "life") college group meeting. Being with her was probably the best solution to going to a new place where I didn't know a single person... especially because we both felt that way. I'm pretty sure that was the first time I have felt that uplifted in a long time and it really just spoke to me that I needed to be there, to go to church and attend the college group and even go to the Thursday night women's bible study.

I think I'm taking a step in the right direction but I know that I'm still depressed. I know that there's still something wrong with me, something that I can't just fix with a snap of my fingers. But... with a friend like the one I have, I think I can move towards the beginnings of fixing things.

I try to always end my blog on a positive note. But... this time I have to say that I'm really not positive. I'm not hopeful. I'm barely hanging on to whatever I have left in me.

So pray.

Scribblings from the Black Hole

I think the hardest part is wanting to feel normal and never actually getting there.

I envy myself on the days when I don't feel anything. Because, obviously, when I don't feel anything, it means that I don't feel depressed. Or sad. Or angry. Or holding on to something negative that I can't quite identify but which throws me off of feeling like a normal person. Not feeling anything feels good to me. When I'm sitting down and don't have to sigh to try and release all the tension built up inside of me that came from somewhere... and I'm not always sure where... that's really nice.

I'm depressed. I'm imbalanced. I know it. I'm working on it.

I went to my first round of therapy last Friday. For those of you who have arrived at my blog late, here are a couple things you should know:

1. I am severely depressed and have been since my parent's divorce. However, I am normally able to cover it up with schoolwork, since I am a perfectionist. This winter break, 5 weeks of doing nothing, determined that I need to go to therapy again (yes, this is my second time since the divorce) and finally work through my feelings about that man that's supposedly my father and my depression.

2. I know my therapist. He was my Drugs in Our Society instructor and I'm convinced that the only reason why I was in that major (Health Education) for a semester (before settling with journalism) and why I took that class was so God could have me meet him. He is a very kind man and the fact that I know him makes talking to him 100 times easier, although he doesn't necessarily think so.

So, my therapist and I sat down Friday to begin things. I spent the first half-an-hour talking about my week and when he said, "I wouldn't give a teacher that much power," it began. After much discussing, we settled on a couple of things to work on.
1. My perfectionist nature — why I kick my butt to get straight A's when I know I don't need to.
2. My depression — the fact that it didn't begin due to my parent's divorce
3. My crying — I do it whenever I have an overabundance of any emotion

None of these I can work on alone. I should probably work on my anger as well, but I'm sure that, with time, working through the depression will lessen the anger.

What's really not helping me this week is the unnecessary drama that I've been going through. One of my goals was to stay away from all the dramatic stuff this semester at the newspaper... but it seems to have followed me out of it. It really makes me sad to be in any kind of rift with any of my friends, especially since I'm new here and still don't have that many friend.

But I'll keep working through it, the stress, the drama, the depression.

There's got to be a light out of this hole somewhere.