Not My Biggest Fear But Coming In Second Place

I am that girl.

I am that girl who is afraid of marriage.

I watched my parent's marriage crumble into a pile of rubbish. Truthfully, it was never really a marriage of love, more of duty. But, never-the-less, I watched it fall apart, every last piece of it. And I was glad of it, too. By the time it ended, I wanted it to end. I wanted my father to leave my house so badly that it made me miserable in every aspect in my life. I went to school to escape home and went to work to escape school but nothing seemed to work.

And when it was over, when he finally left, it still wasn't over. The anger was still there, the hatred for my mother and my sister that my father constantly poured upon me. I was surrounded by his desire to do nothing more but make our lives a living hell (even though we walked on eggshells the last 6 months before he left anyway) by tell us (my sister and I ) how he was going to sue the hell out of my mother because she was asking for money she shouldn't have been asking for (but he's lying).

I am afraid of marriage because the divorce happened more that 2 years ago and they are still going through it. My dad is still trying to sue my mother for all of what she's worth and harrassing her to no end. And I still hear about it, am still affected by, still am angered by it. I am concerned by my father's threats to hurt my mother, frustrated by his boasts of having some 26-year-old Russian girlfriend, gladdened that she dumped him (he's practically 62), angered that he payed her entire Master's degree in Russia and refuses to help my sister in college.

I know that my father is one men in millions. I know that the drugs he has used have screwed him up over the years. I know that he has screwed himself up over the years as well, such as having back surgery and taking a 2 mile walk two days after the surgery. I forgive him for what he has done to his family.

I, however, do not love him. I will never again love him. He does not deserve my love or my sister's love.

All this is why I am that girl who fears marriage.

Now, you might be wondering why I brought this up. This isn't an issue I normally talk about in public; it is normally only discussed with my two best friends and, on an occasion, with my boyfriend, Jo. However, I bring this up because a girl who I was very close to in elementary school for 6 years has just gotten married. A girl who is about a year younger than me. To me, this means that it has started. "It" being the chain of friends that have begun to get married, which was only to be expected. I mean, I am now in my 3rd year of college, so my friends are naturally going to be begin to get married to their boyfriends. My best friend has already agreed that her boyfriend now only has to propose before they move to the next step.

So it's been on my mind.

I am that girl who is afraid of marriage.

Yes. That one.